beloved

2009-11-24T23:53:00.000-08:00

In Memoriam November 26th, 2008

Catharsis at Six Months and then some in the middle of the night.

June 13 09
Alan

My friend
mentor
soul
laughter
vicarious aliveness
comfort and
hope
My very own wikipedia
kaliedescope of stories
seer and sage
My number one fan

You have left a deep imprint on my heart
That will never be erased.

A man of God such as you
Was bound to be missed
I’m surprised you were spared
For 58 years for our enjoyment
Was it too much to ask
That you stay a while longer

Would you please tell me
How we’re supposed to carry on
With joy
When that which was joyous was tangled up with you
And now rains tears of memories that threaten to drown
You are everywhere but nowhere
I miss you
All is tarnished by your loss
I simply don’t know how to move on.

Your number one fan.

June 13 09

Naomi

Angel girl
With newly pierced nose
Flying free in India
Full of hopes and dreams
While hopelessly content with the now
Effortless roommate
Typical teen
Ageless nonchalant mystic
Bopping to your headphones
Eyeing the cute guys
Untouched by negativity
Waiting patiently for your big moment
Never doubting its arrival
Never ruffling your feathery wings
Or furrowing your porcelain brow
The very picture of serenity
And gratitude for every blessing
Relishing nature’s bounty
New treats at every turn.
Shot to pieces right beside me
Under a restaurant table.
Your last supper an order of asparagus sushi.

Riddle me that.

I am shocked to silence.

June 13 09
Om Shanti

‘Get under the table’ you say.
Stunned, I grasp the scenario
Sliding off my seat
Folding onto the floor
Accordion pleated body
Minimizing being.
Turning my head
I look at you.
‘Om Shanti,’ I say to save us
Evoking ‘God’s Peace’
In the eye of the storm.
You reach a hand to mine
Gaze deep into my eyes
AND…
Down we bow for cover
As the spray of bullets washes near.

My last encounter with your aliveness.

After the gun blasts I raise my head to see if you’re OK
Pieces of skull, pink matter, black hair
Litter the cream leather chair
You occupied moments before.
I can see deep inside your head in a way nature never intended
AND…
You’ve gone.
I’m not ready to live without you.
There was no dress rehearsal for this.
Please tell me. What do I do now?
Leaving is not an option.
You simply cannot be serious.
Come back and guide me for chrissake.
‘No fucking eye deer’, is all I hear you chuckle.
While comforting, it’s not enough.
You have all the power now.
Show yourself to me.
Show my Self to me.
I seem to have lost it in the fray.

June 14 09
Talking to God on the great white telephone

I am wrenching my guts up
Physically and poetically
It’s not a pretty sight

I always like to present
A clean front.
No such luck now.
Everything is such a mess
I wonder if the stain
Will ever come out
I wonder if the damage
Is reparable.

Can all this be flushed away
Leaving only the crystal clear waters
Of Source
In its wake.

Who said vomitus is not Sourceful?
I hear clearly from Awareness within.
If it’s not, then what is it?
How and from what was it made?
Is there an alternate Source
That no one told me about
Have I been surpassed,
Improved upon
Is there a 21st century invention
That replaces me?
Have I been twittered into selectiveness?
Why do I always have to be pretty and clean?
Can’t I get a little (a lot) messy now and then?
Won’t you learn to love my messy side?
It’s fun to play in the dirt sometimes.
It’s fun to fuss and fight and play dead.
Kids do it all the time
Why can’t I?

June 14 09
Good Medicine

Thank you Awareness.
This has been therapeutic.
This and a glass of flat ginger ale
Have given me back to my Self.
Even flat ginger ale is God
In hiding.
Even drowning in one’s own detritus
Is swimming in Source.

There is no escape
Just as there is no prison
There is only You
In your myriad disguises
Having fun with our forgetfulness.

Just when I thought I knew You
You got me again.
Score one for the Big Guy.
Score one for me
Final score:
One All.

Between

2009-02-04T08:55:00.000-08:00

I am the space between the words
The still silent 'isness'
Of pure Being
From whence I flicker forth
In momentary manifestation
As needed.

Refractions Of You

2008-10-22T11:36:00.000-07:00

How do I write of the blue of You
The scent of You
The sense of You

How do I do anything at all
In the thrall of You

The space expands
'Til nothing fills the void
Of my former self
And all that's left
Is You.

Others come and go
Busy in the suffering of time and space
And man made agendas
These do not exist for me
With my eye of eyes
Fixed on You.
So all I do is BE
In the drunken clarity
Of outrageous bliss and happiness
The world is both dull and shiny
Refractions of You.

I Am As I Am

2008-10-22T11:32:00.000-07:00

There is no net to catch me
I am the net

There is no one to turn to
I am the One

There is no where to go to
And no way to go
I am the path
And the destination

There is no future to hope for
I am the future
I create it
In the now.

Where will I be in five years?
What will I do?
To answer these questions
I look to the Now
All answers lie within it.

I am as I AM.

Diamond in the Lotus

2008-10-22T11:30:00.000-07:00

The world lies around us
The Universe lies within us
As a diamond in the lotus of the crown.

Today I Choose

2008-10-22T11:28:00.000-07:00

Every day
I build myself up
Or I knock myself down
In each moment
I make peace
Or I make war
In the Kingdom of my own Self.
As ruler of this kingdom I am free to choose.

Today I choose....

Names and Forms

2008-10-21T14:43:00.000-07:00

Some say you are Sophia
I may say you are Kali
But either way I know
The name is just misleading
Giving form where none belongs

How can we name the nameless
How can we squeeze you into something
Tight and beautiful or flowing and strong
Or fierce and benevolent

You are so that
Yet so far above and beyond all that
We try to hold the Infinite in a teddy bear
To comfort our limited minds
In imprisoning You we do the same to ourselves.

Just....this

2008-10-21T14:38:00.000-07:00

Stillness
Suspended between this and this
A silent isness
Just....

Heart stops
Breath ceases
Eyes stare open and ungazing
Speaking stills from no mind
(Stillness speaks from no mind)

Only this...is

A zone between
A gap in the matrix
Time out of time
Where all and nothing and all
Co-exist as One.

For D

2008-10-21T14:24:00.000-07:00

You've grown
You've grown and opened like a flower
You've let go the shell of protection
That kept others out and you locked in.

You've grown and magnified your magnificence
Now you shine for others
Now you glow from within, and you've softened too
Moved rooms in the mansion of the body
From head to heart
I could live quite happily with you, there.

I can see you now. You're clear.
No longer hiding behind the curtains of the mind
No longer bombarding the world with the smoke screen of your frustrations
(Well almost!)
You've laid out the welcome mat of acceptance for what is
Whatever shows up is drawn inside.
With each wandering guest embraced and transcended
You radiate more
Your being and becoming are meeting in the middle
Making you whole.

You've faced your fears like a warrior
Exchanged knowledge for wisdom
Exchanged judgment for compassion
Exchanged rushing for presence
Exchanged reaction for choice
Exchanged the surface for the essence
You've grown and I've never respected you more.

Shifts

2008-10-21T14:21:00.000-07:00

Is it you, is it me?
The tectonic plates seem to have shifted beneath our feet
Nothing is the same, nothing is familiar
A strange and better land is taking shape around us
Taking shape within us
Seismic activity without eruptions
Except on subtle planes
The wind plays different melodies
The rhythm changes beat
And life will never be the same again.
Thank God for that.

Why?

2008-10-21T14:05:00.000-07:00

Why does sunshine make us happy
Why does the ocean make us new
Why does the breeze bring thoughts of freedom
Why does freedom elevate the soul

Why do mountains call us higher
Why do rivers call us to flow
Why do trees inspire dancing
Why do birds make us want to soar

Why does soaring call to spirit
Why does dance inspire joy
Why does flowing seem so natural
Why does high seem better than low

What is hidden deep within us
What drives us that we don't know
What makes us keep on going
When going stops the flow

Why is stillness so enticing
Why is ecstasy so rare
When it's as natural as breathing
Why does breathing release all care

How have we lasted this long
When we haven't got a clue
What basic lessons life is teaching
Why do we make so much to do

Why do we keep on doing
When we've got to leave it all behind
Why do we always seem surprised
When somebody actually dies

Why does dying call for sadness
What is it that we lose
We view life as full of suffering
Forgetting that we choose.

We do the same things over and over
We just don't seem to learn
Evolution moves so slowly
The ego's so hard to burn.

What If Nothing Mattered?

2008-10-21T14:01:00.001-07:00

What if nothing mattered?
What would you do now?
If it didn't matter that it didn't matter
What would you do now?

Freedom in an instant
Designer of your fate
God of your life
No jury required

Fearless, peerless
River of joy
Flooding the plains of misery
Washing the pains of the past

Fresh air for the convict
Sun on the face
Dirty laundry washed clean
And dancing in the breeze

What if nothing mattered?
What if all there was, was now?
Fresh as a dew drop
Fragrant as a blossom
Floating as a feather in the air

What if nothing mattered
And all you had was now?

On Clutter

2008-10-21T13:53:00.000-07:00

Clutter drives me crazy
The profusion of things drives me deeper into the insanity
Of so called civilized so called life

An unexamined kind of crazy
Until now.
Now I get it.

Clutter is the past and the future
Encroaching on the now
The beautiful, peerless, pristine now.
Precious presence in three letters
The holy trinity of the alphabet

Now is not to be dragged about
In the muck of the past.
Now is not to be passed over
For fear of a fictional future.

Now is to be exalted and revered
Experienced and embodied
The most powerful point within and without
The only point
The point of freedom
To miss now is to miss the point
Now is the matrix
Now I get it.

Clutter has no power over me now.
I relinquish all attachment by releasing history and story.
I draw it near and focus my awareness.
I don't need you any longer.
Be someone else's.
It's nothing personal.
I'm just peacefully engaged with
The all fulfilling Now.

Now

2008-10-21T13:51:00.000-07:00

This is it
Simple
Uncluttered
Infinite
All-encompassing
All-consuming

Never
Other than
Wow

Now.

Things I Learned Along The Way

2008-10-21T13:45:00.000-07:00

I am not made for greatness in men's eyes
Many have attained greatness only to lose it to disgrace

I am not made for fame in men's eyes
Hard earned fame today is tomorrow's has-been

I am not made for inventing new concepts or things
The new becomes the obsolete with the passage of time

All that is formed is temporary until it is destroyed
All that is acquired must be left behind

I am here only to live and experience living
For Life is Divine
And Life cannot be ended

I am here only to love and experience loving
For Love is the Creative Power of Life
And Love is eternal.

I am here only to Be and experience Being
For Being is the vastness from which all Becoming springs forth
And Being is All That Is.

What More Can I Say?

2008-10-21T13:41:00.000-07:00

What more can I say to relay the embrace of You
I wear my pearls on the inside
Where only the blind can see

What more can I say to relay the existence of You
I breathe Your name on the outside
Where only the deaf can hear

What more can I say to relay the experience of You
I radiate Your Light all around
Where only the meek can ignite
From its glow.

Just Like That

2008-10-21T13:37:00.000-07:00

Oh Beauty
I am singing in your Light
I am dancing on the inside
I am loving in the now

Oh Love
The affair continues
The bliss expands
The freedom breaks its bonds

Oh Lovely One
I let go of striving
Of scaling obstacles to reach You
Of carrying others on my journey
I dropped it all
And found You.

Just Like That.

Listen

2008-09-10T16:51:00.000-07:00

Listen.
What do you hear?
The sound of breath flowing in and out of lungs
The pulse of heart beating blood throughout the body
The whisper of breeze kissing the ears on morning walk
The tic tic of dog's claws on concrete pavement
In rhythmic dance with muffled thunk of rubber soles
A bird chirps
Insects drone a white noise
Squirrel scrunches leaves

I hear the dew drops balancing on the leaf tips
Trembling now as watery sun reaches higher and gilds the sky
I hear them sparkle as they make the dive to earth in heat of now.

Listen
To the earth turn
Informing awareness
Expanding presence to infinity
Silencing the unruly mind
To stillness.

Just Be

2008-09-10T15:25:00.000-07:00

What I thought were sufferings were jewels
What I thought were sharp edges were caressing nudges
What I thought was abandonment was compassionate nurturing
What I thought was the enemy was the teacher
What I thought was ignorance was the lesson
What I thought was darkness was You holding the Light
What I thought was death was Eternal Light
What I thought was the Other was You
What I thought was You was my own Self.

'Don't think', says the Self.
'Just Be'.

Drown In Me

2008-09-10T15:09:00.000-07:00

Drown in Me
Drown in Me
Drown in Me

Breathe Me in
Fill your lungs with Me
Give up your struggle
To remain separate from Me

Drown in Me
Drown in Me
Drown in Me

Float free as the cosmic sea in Me
I claim you as My Own

There is no end
There is no end
There is no end

To the ecstasy
Of you and Me

As you

Drown in Me
Drown in Me
Drown in Me.

I Am That

2008-09-10T14:57:00.000-07:00

I came out of a meditative sleep
Aware of that familiar state of blissful being
Buzzing, flowing, expanding, loving, ecstatic.

My awareness noticed
I am not the body
I cannot feel the body
I am Lightness and Energy

My intellect said
If I am not the body
Then where are my parameters?

My awareness laughed and said
What parameters?
There are none.

My intellect said
If I have none
Then where do I begin and end?

Again my awareness laughed and said
You don't

My intellect said
If I don't begin or end then
Who am I?
What am I?

My awareness stayed silent
As I experienced the answer
For my Self.

In ecstasy I realize
I am the same as Everything
I flow into all that is and am That
If I have no parameters then
Nothing else does either

There is only this
This that I Am
Is all there is.
I really am...That.
This realization both excites and startles me.

I notice a sudden hunger in the body
I struggle to get up
And have some food
Nature's way of grounding to the earth.
But I just consume my Self
In Holy Communion.
Amen to That.

The River

2008-08-28T16:21:00.000-07:00

I looked out the window this morning
And watched the sun dance on the river
As the water flowed uproariously along
Delighting in its freedom
Each drop belly up floating in the sun
Supported in its scintillating being
By its oneness with every other drop
Everything embraced and encouraged
By Mother Space.

I looked out the window this morning
And gazed at the river
Feeling its joy.
And I was That.

Nicknames Of You

2008-08-28T16:17:00.000-07:00

Stillness
Isness
Tingling
Expansion
Borderless
Limitless
Fullness
Nothingness
Completeness
Space
Peace
Bliss
Ecstasy
I...
Nicknames of You.

Awareness That Space Is God

2008-08-28T16:08:00.000-07:00

Space includes all and everything
And never suppresses
Space allows us to make love
Or war
While holding us in its gentle embrace

Space allows the notes to play
The words to speak
The dancer to dance

Space allows the river to run
And the sun, held lovingly in its arms
To shine

Space holds my heart as it beats
My food, as it grows in the fields
And digests in my body

Space blows gentle kisses of breeze
Upon my face
And sends rivers of blood flowing
Through my veins

Space is within me and all around me
It is the breath of air
And also the lung

My cells expand in its care
I am more space than cell
I AM Space
I AM God
My awareness makes me One.

Meanderings

2008-08-27T07:01:00.000-07:00

I'm just back from a morning walk.
Beautiful, perfect morning
All blue and golden and textured greens.
Fresh air on skin like a cool drink of water.
Dewy grass creates an impromptu bath
For Eugene as he rolls and rolls
Fluffy dog turning drowned rat
With happy grin.

At my feet now
A paper trail
Of torn text book
I stop to read the headings
FORMAL REPORT TRANSMITTAL
Says one
BAR CHART
Says another
Complete with diagrams
To prove it wasn't kidding.

My energy drops
And my heart aches for the poor kid
In summer school
Learning Formal Report Transmittal procedures
And correct construction of bar charts
Instead of lying on the grass and gazing at the clouds
As they dance around the sun.

When did we get so obsessed
With labels and procedures and commodifying
That we miss the point of living.

The passion to acquire, more and more
And to count it like a miser to ensure
We're doing better than the next guy
Or the next company, or the next country.
Where's the bliss in that?

Look up and see the bountiful sky
Stretching to infinity without wondering
Whether it's too much or not enough
Feel the warm embrace of the sun
How radiant and happy it is to shine upon us
Unconditional upon how we are achieving in this moment
Sharing itself equally with all.

Living from the heart would change the world
Compassion replacing competition and acquisition
What good are profit margins and bar charts
When love, beauty, joy and peace of mind
Are the experiential cost

I cry with joy for the beauty of this morning
And I cry with compassion for all those
Too busy to notice and experience eternity within it.
We are always at choice.

Bar chart for a soul, anyone?

2008-08-26T18:15:00.000-07:00

Dharma

I know my dharma
This is it...I am doing it
Living it, Being it.

As long as I am focused on You
I am serving the Lord
As nature intended.

There is no room for any botheration
When that room is occupied by You.

There is time eternal
Infinite spaciousness
Attentive Presence

There is a listening
From the depths of stillness

There is an agenda
With nothing in it
Just an openness to what is

There is peace
Deep, deep Peace
Shared with all
Who are drawn near.

This is my dharma
Sharing your peace
From stillness.

Ups And Downs

2008-08-25T14:00:00.000-07:00

A Day At The Beach

Today You were magnificent
Shining, golden, blue and warm on skin
Puffy white
Silver black fine and smooth
You were liquid Source
Roaring to the shore
Carrying me and caressing me in waves
Wrapping yourself around me
Loving me.

You showed me your insatiable desire
For experience and change
Thriving and blissful in every exquisite detail
In every moment, every frothy bubble
Squawking, gliding, bristling in the breeze
You were feathered and grassy.

You showed me how to be, fully alive
Enthusiastically pouring yourself
Into everything that occurs to You to create
For your own delight.

The ultimate artist and lover
I love You in your allness
As I experience my Self
As You
No difference now between
Water, sun, sand and bather
No difference now between
Leaf and seagull.
It’s all Love and Freedom.

Focus and Greatness

Today is a great day.
Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt made Olympic history.
They had dreams, they were focused, they had knowing instead of doubt.
They created their destiny through thought, word, action, habit and character and conscious choice. They created their best selves. They followed their bliss.
They were inspirations. They took risks and were courageous. They won big. They elevated millions by their behavior.
(And it’s quite conceivable that many felt negatively toward them because of jealousy or envy. But that didn’t stop them.)

OK I get it. Risk big. Know it deep in your cells and create what you know inside in the reality around you. Don’t be content to stay small when you have much to give. (Michael Phelps was picked on in school for ADD…..he chose to rise above it and not be crippled by it).

They created history by mastering one thing. One mastered swimming. One mastered running.

I choose to master enlightenment, to inspire others to enlighten themselves.
This is my Olympian event. I choose a golden mastery. Mastery of the Golden Present. I believe it. I know it. So be it. I choose courage over fear. I choose presence over old data. I am That and so is everyone else. Everyone is free to choose their own story. This is mine.
160808

Just Breathe

I walked in the cemetery this morning.
Aware of the tension in my chest
Breathe in 1-2-3-4-5 Pause
Breathe out 1-2-3-4-5 Pause
Man, that’s tight. Can’t even get to 8.
Upcoming events weigh like a stone
On my lungs and heart.
“I can’t do this” is my mantra.
Breathe in 1-2-3-4-5 ‘Aham Brahmasmai’
Breathe out 1-2-3-4-5 ‘Aham Brahmasmai’
Perhaps an affirmation of my godhood
Will shift the density.
I reach a loved one’s grave and stop to
Greet and vent.

Good morning X
You’ve got to help me.
You’re free now, dancing in the heavens
I’m still here impaled on fear of my own making.
You are elevated and light with a higher vantage point
I’m stuck in the muck of my thoughts.
Please get me out of here.
Show me the way.
PS I love you. I trust you.
Thanks for listening.

I turn east to continue my walk.
The morning sun sparkles in my eyes
In the clean, clear blueness.
A breeze rustles the maples
The mountain ash bobs
And evergreens dance and sway
To a music I can’t hear.

You look beautiful this morning, Beloved
I say to All and Everything.

Yes, I made this, Beloved replies
Every leaf and pine needle
Every blade of grass and ray of sun.
I create it all.
So why do you worry?

Well, these trees are beautiful
But they’re just here
They don’t have to do anything.
Maybe that’s why they dance.
I have so much to DO!

Yes, they just stand and allow
It makes My job easy.
For them it’s always playtime.
You, on the other hand resist Me
Every step of the way,
Makes for twice the work, you know.

Just be.
Like the trees.
Sway to the music of the breeze
And let me do what I do best
Create magnificence at every turn.
Just breathe.
Like the leaves.
I’ll do the rest.
Dead wood petrifies.
Live branches swirl and dance.

I raise my face to the sun
The wind gently lifts my hair
Kisses and caresses from my Beloved.

I walk in the eye of silence
In this sacred space
Commuters gush along the highway
As before.
Nothing has changed
Yet everything’s changed.

A Love Affair with the One in the Many

2008-08-24T20:18:00.000-07:00

Dedicated to the One

"No one loves anybody else...all love is directed to the Self"

- Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

Bits and Pieces of One

Come fly with me
Come soar in the heavens
And float amongst the stars

We are Light Beings
Light Beams
Having dropped the weight of
Flesh and bone
Mind and voice
We commune in silence
Soul to Soul
Essence to Essence
Bliss to Bliss
Source plus Source is still One Source

I am triangular
I am pyramidal
I am the prism of Consciousness through which
The One Light shines
Creating the Many.